The Date Application

Who Im Is?
If my name was part of a word association game i'm sure the following words and phrases would be the first to come across several people's minds:

• Alcoholic


• Man-Whore


• Chain Smoker


• Arrogant


• Womanizer


• Hedonist


• Irresponsible


• Notorious


• Unethical


• Unindustrious


• The Greatest Rapper Alive

Of course those perceptions of others cannot be wholly true considering I am writing this from my desk at a job that pays me well while talking to one of my many friends via AIM. Though, I will admit that those phrases can be seen as recurring themes in the literary masterpiece that is me. People like me because I have a disregard for my own well being and often provide an outlet of entertainment at the expense of myself or others. I am problematic with any form of monogamy because my ADD not only affects my academic endeavors but also my relationships with women. I receive more calls from my credit card companies than my friends. I am a communication major which can lead some to believe that I do not want to be successful in life, but I measure the success of being a DJ at a strip club pretty high. Quite possibly the best way to sum myself up would be a quote from a platonic female friend: "He's a little bit slutty, but he's a catch." Of course you think so also, or else you wouldn't be wasting your time with this application.

Who You Be?
The obvious answer would be a girl with the face of Anne Hathaway, the body of Jessica Alba, the intellect of Condoleezza Rice, the charming wit of Sarah Silverman, the sexual knowledge of Jenna Jameson, the matriarchal skills of Mother Teresa of Calcutta, the monetary status of Paris Hilton, and the alcoholic belligerence of Tara Reid. Of course there never has and never will be a female in existence with all these traits. To be realistic I prefer girls with teeth, even though I’m willing to be flexible with that time to time depending on how high my BAC is.

The Application
Your name:

Your email:

Your age:

Your sex: Female (Post-Ops need not apply)

Your occupation:

Where are you from?:

Where do you live now?:

Highest form of education earned:

Field of study:

"I like a man ______________." (Fill in the blank)

(Please choose only one answer to the following questions)

The song that best describes you is:
- “Bump n’ Grind” by R Kelly
- “Monster Bash” by Wolfman Jack
- “Caribbean Queen” by Billy Ocean
- “Gold Digger” by Kanye West

The best way to describe your intellect:
- “Are buffalo wings made from real buffalos?”
- “ I misspell ‘chefs’ with ‘chiefs’ occasionally”
- “ I can send an email with cool fonts and colors”
- “ I can solve a rubix cube with my vagina"

Your most defining characteristic would be:
- “My huge breasts”
- “My physique of a 12 year old boy”
- “My ability to make you laugh even though its at my own expense”
- “How I can get most guys off in less than 30 seconds”
- “I have rich parents who spoil me and my boyfriends”

You WOULD NOT cheat on me because:
- You already fucked most of my friends
- You believe in the sanctity of “dating”
- You realize I’m that I’m the best you can get
- I can remember your name in the morning.

You WOULD cheat on me because:
- I already fucked most of your friends
- I point out your obvious flaws and exploit them
- I said it was cool with me
- You rather blame the pregnancy on someone with understanding parents

When you get drunk you:
- Start crying and pee yourself
- Make out with other girls
- Drunk dial me and complain about me hooking up with other girls
- Blow random guys
- "Drunk? I have the tolerance of an old Irish sailor"

Your favorite thing to talk about is:
- Yourself
- Me
- Politics
- Sex and how"hammered" you got last night

The amount of people you have had sex with can be numerically compared to:
- A tennis match
- The number of starting players for an NBA team
- The number of starting players for an NFL team
- The million man march

You WILL NOT have sex with me because:
- You have too much self respect
- Your friend had sex with me and said it wasn’t all that great
- I forgot to bring a condom
- Your mother told you to stay away from strangers

You WILL have sex with me because:
- You have low self esteem
- Your friend had sex with me and said it was life changing
- The feeling of pity is actually an aphrodisiac for you
- There ain't nothing better to do and I brought a condom

Thank you for filling out the application. After review of your application we will contact you for an in-person interview.