Wednesday, August 1, 2007

The Condom Story

So the story like most heart felt american tales begins with a girl. A girl whose last name is that of a feared forest creature. I'm not going into details for the sake of me not being brought up on charges (more on that later).

She held most positive traits that most would find in a female: cute face, nice body, interesting vocal range etc. But her one detraction was that she was a prude. Ive managed to get her in my bed before but it only ended up in hand jobs and blue balls because she doesn't sleep with guys "i'm not seeing". Bitch you have eyes don't you?

Well this one particular night, she somehow ended in my bed yet again and i was expecting the usual ABC Family after school special routine. But this night was different. I don't know if it was the AXE body spray i bought that week or if someone bought her a shot of kinky at the bar, but she was ready. Of course not the "ready" I played out in my head, but the "oral kind of ready" which is fine by me as long as I didnt have to deal with the post- masturbation session i usually deal with when this girl is over.

So its business time, and it was great. Her tounge was wrapping around my cock like those old school baber shops things. I'm thinking "hey, this was worth the wait". Until the party ran out of chips.

She stops short and complains shes tired and wants to goto bed, so she turns over . I'm trying to convince her not to goto sleep but the snoring prevails. I don't know if she had sleep apnea (sp?) or a small rodent in her nose, but the snoring was obscene. I tuck my dick in and go downstairs of fraternity house to smoke a cigarette, like any young man who got the pause button on a blowjob would do.

Armed with my cell phone and cigarette I text the usual random sluts who litter my campus in hope of pulling my trade marked "Double Play" (OK the patent is pending). While I'm doing this, in comes who we like to refer to as the Amazon. The amazon is a sorority girl who is over 6 feet, with a head that would not fit into most fitted baseball caps. She storms through the front door like Kramer and begins talking nonsense about one of her sorority sisters and her where abouts. My only reply to her was " I don't Know"...which was probably the best pick up line I ever used.

Next thing you know, I'm getting accosted on the couch of my frat house's living room still with a cigarette in my hand. My pants come undone and i'm at a familar place I was at about 7 minutes ago. No words, no complaints!Amidst her drunkeness she heatedly asks "Do you have a condom?" I find it endearing that the youth of america today can get into D.U.I.'s, Drunken fights, and open credit cards when inerbriated but they somehow always seem to remember to use protection. Thanks Saved By The Bell .I'm not sure if i have one, but i tell her that i do. So i run upstairs to my room to the feared forest creature still snoring on my bed, looking for a condom.

I don't know if it was the house i was living in that made me grimey or if i was just grimey by nature.

I flashback to the night earlier where i banged one of the endless sorority girls my school has to offer, and i remembered that I didn't bust a nut and i threw the condom in my desk drawer. Why you ask me? Well i didnt have a garbage can and used condoms on your floor are not the decorative pieces you wanna have in your room so the drawer was suffice (I cleaned it out!).

Now i could not give a fuck about the environment. I use aersol cans, break glass bottles, burn plastic, ash my cigarettes in baby carriages. I could care less, but this is one time that I can use "helping out the enviroment" as an excuse for my total disregard and lack for morality. To put it simply...I was recycling.

I open the drawer, pull out the condom, and surprisingly the wrapper was in there also. I proceed to roll up the condom as it would normally be like. Place it back in it the original packaging and seal the top to the best of my ability. Its clobberin' time.

Of course stealth was of the essence here as I did not want to wake up the topless girl snoring in my bed to the sight of me rolling up and placing a used condom in a wrapper. That can usually raise the most of suspicions.

I make it down undetected and I pull the condom out of my pocket as if I was presenting acredit card to open a tab. She sighs in relief and I Open the wrapper with my teeth to further create the illusion of safety, which in reality was the complete and total opposite. I carefully place (or you can say RE-place) the condom on my homerun hitter the way i used it before and I goto work.

So heres the situation: I'm fucking a girl in the living room of my frat house, with a condom that i used the night before, while one of her sorority sisters is passed out on my bed after giving me head. Got that? Good.

Everything goes as follows, my supposed to be children are deep sea diving in her stomach and i dispose of the over due condom. The question of her sleeping over arises and while it would be a hilarious site to have two sorority sisters who both had my cock in their mouth within 7 minutes of eachother wake up in my bed, I felt i did enough damage. So i tell her that an alumni is passed out on my bed and that i was sleeping on the couch. Good enough lie to get her out of my house.

I had several mixed feelings as i smoked another cigarette. Feelings of empowerment, manliness, and straight up bad-assery along with feelings disgust. But fuck it, you live life once and Its not me getting another girl's vaginal secretions in my cooter in the form of a germ carrying rocket. No harm, no foul i'm still clean.

To top the night off I go back upstairs and check my email only to have my eyes caught by an open purse on my floor. The purse belonged to the remains on my bed, yes she was still there and still snoring. I just stared at her comatose body for a few seconds and was just infruriated. I've put in so much effort to bang this chick, only to gain blue balls from her and have said blue balls cured by a giant drunk woman. Reparations were due. Now i'm not normally a theif, I just go by the philosophies of modern day rappers. You gotta hustle here and there. So my justification for ganking a 20 spot out of a girl's purse who was passed out on my bed was that, she was paying rent to sleep at my place that night...she just didnt know she was paying rent and she never has since. But of course that could go down as petty larceny. Weak.

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